1 00:00:05,064 --> 00:00:09,050 Christmas Special 2004 2 00:00:12,759 --> 00:00:18,054 4 years later 3 00:00:21,830 --> 00:00:27,709 Translation by ear Alessandro Molfredo 4 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,599 Tell me, Jim... 5 00:00:34,629 --> 00:00:37,800 What is the best pop group of all time? 6 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:40,689 No... 7 00:00:40,719 --> 00:00:43,508 the "Nolan Sisters" 8 00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:48,014 I agree. The scintillating sisters of sin. 9 00:00:48,044 --> 00:00:51,200 And the best entertainer? 10 00:00:51,230 --> 00:00:52,157 No... 11 00:00:52,187 --> 00:00:54,807 Noel Edmonds, obviously. 12 00:00:54,837 --> 00:00:55,870 Of course! 13 00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:59,121 And the greatest metaphysical philosopher? 14 00:00:59,151 --> 00:01:00,687 No... 15 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,300 I have no idea. 16 00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:08,199 Sorry we're late. Family obligations. 17 00:01:09,731 --> 00:01:12,499 - Topic 1. - What family obligations? 18 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:16,270 Father put the house in my name, for tax evasion 19 00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:18,900 For tax evasion. 20 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:24,800 - What are you doing? The meeting hasn't started. - It's started. You said, "Subject 1." 21 00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:30,300 and Hugo said: Father, he wrote the house in my name for tax evasion. 22 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:33,599 Do you have anything else, President, before we vote? 23 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,957 - Vote for what? - On tax evasion. 24 00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:40,987 Those who are pro-tax evasion? 25 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,000 Those against? 26 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:51,699 It's not tax evasion, it's a legal method of avoiding taxes. 27 00:01:51,729 --> 00:01:57,100 Those who are against the legal method of tax evasion? 28 00:01:59,092 --> 00:02:02,099 Who consider that the legal method of tax evasion, 29 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:05,982 is just a fancy term for saying "tax evasion"? 30 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:13,599 - Topic 1. - Sorry I'm late... 31 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,670 I was watching a documentary about Tara Palmer Thompkinson. 32 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:20,303 I went into a coma. 33 00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,499 As I said, "Theme 1". 34 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:28,477 Before Item 1, President may I raise Item 0.5? 35 00:02:28,507 --> 00:02:29,900 - No. - Thank you very much. 36 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,900 I just wanted to say that this Christmas is kind of special to me. 37 00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:37,084 Does anyone know why? 38 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:41,270 Will "Carry On Camping" be shown on TV? 39 00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:43,854 - I don't know, Jim, but it's not... - I know... 40 00:02:43,884 --> 00:02:45,101 Well done, Hugo. 41 00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:48,600 I think it is, that Jesus will be born again. 42 00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:52,069 But this time he's gonna kick our asses our asses. 43 00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:55,393 To transform the world of hate, into a world of love. 44 00:02:56,472 --> 00:02:58,828 That's kind of special. 45 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:03,700 Here comes Jesus and "Carry On Camping". 46 00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,332 It will be the best Christmas ever. 47 00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:08,400 Jesus will not be born again, 48 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:11,999 although it would be fun for him to present Songs of Praise. 49 00:03:12,242 --> 00:03:15,082 No, it's kind of special because, 50 00:03:15,809 --> 00:03:19,090 is my tenth anniversary in Dibley. 51 00:03:19,926 --> 00:03:23,109 Not as good as Jesus coming back. 52 00:03:23,616 --> 00:03:25,511 But nevertheless moving. 53 00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:27,535 In what way touching, Frank? 54 00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:30,499 You're a woman who could could do anything, 55 00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,699 to go anywhere, 56 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:37,800 and yet you chose to waste the best 10 years of your life, 57 00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,251 staying here with us jerks. 58 00:03:42,044 --> 00:03:43,700 Yes, thanks for that. 59 00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:44,700 No... 60 00:03:44,730 --> 00:03:48,299 You have given us wonderful memories to look back on. 61 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:52,106 Yes! Do you remember when Alice gave birth during the Nativity play? 62 00:03:52,136 --> 00:03:53,399 How can I forget? 63 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:57,499 You tried to cut the umbilical cord during the break. 64 00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,399 And you remember the time, 65 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:04,500 when you and I made passionate love at the pool table in the pub? 66 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,799 No, Jim, that was a dream. 67 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,500 And the time you pole danced in my living room, 68 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,299 with Mother Teresa, who was wearing nothing. 69 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:18,300 Just a corduroy bikini. 70 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,800 Don't say it was a dream. 71 00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:24,370 No, Jim. That was a nightmare. 72 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,700 One thing is certain. Of course we will celebrate the vicar's anniversary. 73 00:04:29,256 --> 00:04:32,800 And I say this, with every perspective of destruction. 74 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:35,578 Let's hear ideas at the next meeting. 75 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,370 Let's see what ideas we can download. 76 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,178 And now, at last... 77 00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:41,770 Topic 1. 78 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,799 Actually, I have to go. 79 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,999 Wait... you can't just... 80 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,399 Good Lord, it's midnight. 81 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,160 No, it's 8:00. 82 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,639 - Your clock is going back. - What does it say to you? 83 00:04:54,405 --> 00:04:55,661 8.00. 84 00:04:55,691 --> 00:04:57,970 There goes mine, in the back. 85 00:04:58,242 --> 00:04:59,291 And mine. 86 00:04:59,321 --> 00:05:02,900 If I go after midnight, Alice will be furious. Good night, Father. 87 00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:13,226 You don't think I've wasted my life? 88 00:05:13,256 --> 00:05:15,340 Of course not. 89 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,100 I hope not. 90 00:05:23,691 --> 00:05:26,135 I am very excited, 91 00:05:26,165 --> 00:05:30,366 celebrating your tenth birthday. 92 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,300 This is my tenth anniversary as a chaplain. 93 00:05:36,932 --> 00:05:39,677 I figured Hugo was wrong. I told him, 94 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,500 "If he's only ten years old, 95 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:46,592 how she has breasts like the cathedral St. Paul's Cathedral?" 96 00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:54,600 Funny how things have changed in 10 years. 97 00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:57,892 There were hardly any women pastors back then. 98 00:05:58,112 --> 00:06:01,385 I'll never forget David's expression when he first saw me. 99 00:06:01,415 --> 00:06:02,240 I know. 100 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,807 No, it wasn't like that. 101 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:10,359 - No, I... - No, it was... 102 00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:13,500 - Stop it, Alice. - Okay. Okay. 103 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,282 Stop it, or I'll hit you. 104 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,815 Funny how things have progressed. 105 00:06:19,845 --> 00:06:22,700 The churches are full of little girls which is perfect. 106 00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:26,205 Now we are fighting for the right of priests to be openly gay. 107 00:06:26,235 --> 00:06:28,635 Hold the flag proudly high. 108 00:06:28,665 --> 00:06:31,696 Fill the churches with sisters. 109 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,199 Not the phraseology I would choose. 110 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:42,600 I'm very much in favour of these that come out of the cupboards. 111 00:06:42,982 --> 00:06:44,799 - The wardrobe - Right. 112 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,100 What a scary idea... 113 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,699 You want to get your coat, first cold day of winter, 114 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:53,407 and standing in the closet, 115 00:06:53,437 --> 00:06:58,870 Graham Norton, Dale Winton. and Sir Ian McKellen. 116 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:02,335 They better come out of the closet so we can see them. 117 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,400 Is it crazy, though? 118 00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:09,300 When I was 20, there was no priest in the Church of England who wasn't gay. 119 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,799 You had to be gay to get in. 120 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,818 And then they went on to officially appoint, 121 00:07:14,848 --> 00:07:17,999 an openly gay bishop, and divided the church. 122 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:21,762 I'll have to declare myself gay, as a protest. 123 00:07:25,593 --> 00:07:27,650 If you were gay... 124 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:30,468 Great minds think the same. 125 00:07:30,498 --> 00:07:32,956 Yes. Not on this occasion. 126 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:35,533 But imagine that all men are dead, 127 00:07:35,563 --> 00:07:38,870 because it was discovered that football is poisonous. 128 00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:41,100 You have the opportunity... 129 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,099 to pick a girl. 130 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:44,700 Which one would you choose? 131 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,708 Many to choose from. 132 00:07:46,738 --> 00:07:48,462 Half the population of the Earth. 133 00:07:48,492 --> 00:07:51,706 - Yes, and Eddie Izard. - Yes. 134 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,400 Some nights, yes. 135 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:56,186 Let me think... 136 00:07:56,913 --> 00:07:58,370 Wait. 137 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:02,145 What is the name of the girl who presents that sports quiz? 138 00:08:02,175 --> 00:08:04,099 She's blonde. You know her... 139 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,408 - With plaid hair - Sue Barker? 140 00:08:06,438 --> 00:08:09,653 Yes. Certainly not her. 141 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,970 That would be an interesting alternative. Rachel Hunter. 142 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,900 Pages 7 and 8. 143 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:21,759 You have a lot to learn from its curves and crevices? 144 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,071 Oh, my God, look at these. 145 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,499 - And this. - Yes. 146 00:08:26,784 --> 00:08:30,500 If I take everything into account, 147 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:34,900 I'd probably pick the queen. 148 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:42,370 - You want to sleep with the queen? - No, not really, but I mean... 149 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,249 would be great for conversation, huh? 150 00:08:45,279 --> 00:08:47,299 You're going to the post office, 151 00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:52,121 you buy a stamp and you look at it and you say. "I've got that one." 152 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:59,599 You can say, "It took her time to warm up, 153 00:08:59,629 --> 00:09:03,200 but it was worth the wait." 154 00:09:03,698 --> 00:09:07,926 - You? - I wouldn't choose the queen. 155 00:09:08,542 --> 00:09:11,308 I think I'd go for Rachel. 156 00:09:11,338 --> 00:09:15,199 He could have the other Rachel Rachel Stevens in his back pocket for backup. 157 00:09:15,229 --> 00:09:16,745 Two for the price of one. 158 00:09:16,775 --> 00:09:19,817 Why not, Lesbo-greedy. 159 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,142 Lesbian naughty! 160 00:09:23,172 --> 00:09:26,170 It would be vagina-fantastic! 161 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,770 Moon-wonderful! 162 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,021 Sorry, it's getting late, Alice. 163 00:09:33,051 --> 00:09:34,670 Let's go to bed. 164 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,941 Excuse me? 165 00:09:36,971 --> 00:09:39,473 No, in separate beds, Alice. 166 00:09:41,609 --> 00:09:43,299 For a moment I thought... 167 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,761 For God's sake, no. 168 00:09:45,791 --> 00:09:46,870 Don't get me wrong. 169 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:49,439 No, I don't blame you. 170 00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:52,738 Well, good night then. 171 00:10:07,154 --> 00:10:10,800 Theme 4. Celebration of the anniversary of the vicarage. 172 00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:15,355 And I'm afraid we have some ideas. 173 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,000 Yes. Jim, you wrote to the Pope, 174 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:23,000 - and you asked him to make me a saint? - That's right. 175 00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,942 Catholicism is only a problem. 176 00:10:25,972 --> 00:10:28,628 Is the Pope a Catholic? 177 00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:35,580 Yes, that's the problem, and I'm not. 178 00:10:35,610 --> 00:10:37,200 You're not? 179 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,799 - No, Jim, none of us. - We're Anglicans. 180 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,612 Since when? 181 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,000 Since 1534. 182 00:10:46,419 --> 00:10:50,074 You learn something new every day. 183 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:55,124 And Owen, your idea is cocktail party the night before? 184 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,099 - Exactly. - Yes, sir. 185 00:10:57,129 --> 00:10:59,668 - With a stripper? - Yes. 186 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,815 Preferably Kirsty Young presenter on Channel 5? 187 00:11:03,845 --> 00:11:04,982 Yes. 188 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,424 Kirsty the Vixen, she's killing it! 189 00:11:08,777 --> 00:11:11,741 I'm afraid I'm going to have to step on it. 190 00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:13,599 - No stripper. - Too bad, Chaplain. 191 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,672 But I like the idea of the party, so let's say "yes." 192 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:20,130 We can do it at my house. 193 00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:22,655 It's my house now. 194 00:11:22,685 --> 00:11:28,399 And you can open one of those the hidden expensive champagne you save for special occasions. 195 00:11:28,608 --> 00:11:31,076 Yeah, I was saving them for Alice's funeral, 196 00:11:31,106 --> 00:11:33,799 but unfortunately he looks healthy. 197 00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:35,612 ... 198 00:11:35,642 --> 00:11:39,100 - And I have another festive idea. - Well done. 199 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,886 How we sing the traditional Christmas carols, 200 00:11:41,916 --> 00:11:44,404 "Good day to you, lords, if it be your pleasure." and... 201 00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:46,570 "Merry Wobble Christmas"? 202 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,099 Yes, although that's not exactly caroling. 203 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:52,900 "The angel Gabriel sank." 204 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,846 I think it came off, Frank. 205 00:11:57,309 --> 00:11:58,599 What was your idea, Hugo? 206 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,299 I thought of a contest to write new carols for your anniversary. 207 00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:06,900 Genius. Contest "God-vision". Let's do it. 208 00:12:07,264 --> 00:12:10,299 I actually started mine. 209 00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:12,901 I can give you a taste. 210 00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:17,063 "Shoot," he said with a wide smile. 211 00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,085 It is inspired by artists like Eminem, 212 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,713 Fatman Scoop and Nellie. 213 00:12:28,023 --> 00:12:29,625 It is going to happen, 214 00:12:30,331 --> 00:12:31,580 will save your ass, 215 00:12:32,313 --> 00:12:33,697 They call it Jesus' ass, 216 00:12:34,322 --> 00:12:36,300 Hallelujah, 217 00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:37,386 ... 218 00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:38,852 he'll fuck you. 219 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,299 What do you think? 220 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,055 Should I keep working on it? 221 00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:50,156 No. 222 00:12:51,191 --> 00:12:53,011 Why mess with perfection? 223 00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:55,000 That's not exactly what I meant. 224 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:58,000 The rest of you, verses by Sunday, 225 00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,799 And whoever wins will be sung at the staying service. 226 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,199 And as for the anniversary party, something simple. 227 00:13:05,547 --> 00:13:07,400 A drink, some Nuts, 228 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:10,796 Maybe even some "Nuts" to eat. 229 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,800 And strippers, are they excluded? 230 00:13:14,123 --> 00:13:16,272 It doesn't have to be Kirsty. 231 00:13:16,302 --> 00:13:18,989 It could be Moira Stewart. 232 00:13:19,019 --> 00:13:21,146 It is more refined. 233 00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:23,870 Get on with something else. 234 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:26,197 Not with this. 235 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,900 I'm just watching football. 236 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,661 I've become a fanatic after the World Cup. 237 00:13:34,691 --> 00:13:38,100 - Great, what's the score? - I have no idea. 238 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:42,398 Look at Johnny Wilkinson's thighs. 239 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,200 I'm sorry. How can I help? 240 00:13:46,888 --> 00:13:50,899 I'm going to a terrible conference for two weeks. 241 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:54,312 I wanted the anniversary thing to be taken care of. 242 00:13:57,029 --> 00:13:58,681 Maybe I'll come back later? 243 00:13:58,711 --> 00:14:00,399 No, I'm sorry... 244 00:14:00,429 --> 00:14:02,182 Sorry, I'm hanging up. 245 00:14:04,013 --> 00:14:05,870 I'm not stuck. 246 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:08,469 - What... - I'll put it in the video. 247 00:14:12,036 --> 00:14:13,470 Basically, 248 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:17,899 I want to commemorate these ten wonderful years, 249 00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:21,399 giving you something special, and I want you to like it. 250 00:14:21,429 --> 00:14:23,841 Why don't you tell me what you want, 251 00:14:23,871 --> 00:14:26,299 and I'll take it. Anything. 252 00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,200 David, thank you very much. 253 00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:33,504 You embarrass me. I don't know how much you want to spend? 254 00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:36,771 - It doesn't matter, say what you want. - Okay... 255 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:40,713 - I need a car. - Not that much, obviously. 256 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,091 Okay, um... 257 00:14:43,686 --> 00:14:47,010 - How about a TV with a giant screen? - Not so much. 258 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,434 We're going down all the time. 259 00:14:50,205 --> 00:14:51,496 I know what I want. 260 00:14:51,526 --> 00:14:54,499 I saw a big fluorescent reindeer at Mason's... 261 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,808 I want to take him out for Christmas. I know it's silly... 262 00:14:57,838 --> 00:15:00,194 Yeah, I don't buy that. 263 00:15:00,629 --> 00:15:03,400 I thought you wanted something appropriate. 264 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:07,400 Like a leather-bound illustrated Bible. 265 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:13,599 - Yeah, obviously a Bible would be... - It's not just a Bible. 266 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:17,526 Leather illustrated bible. 267 00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:21,906 - Like the ones they sell in town for £12.50? - Yes. 268 00:15:21,936 --> 00:15:25,300 - Oh, great! - Excellent. 269 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,682 Good choice. 270 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,800 Ten years. 271 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,700 I remember I was a little unsure when you came in. 272 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,832 You tried to prosecute me, repeatedly. 273 00:15:38,911 --> 00:15:42,200 Now I am proud that I have a woman pastor. 274 00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:46,500 What strikes me as odd is that you've never been promoted. 275 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,700 I guess I didn't get the Archbishop's attention. 276 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,786 I guess I was too shy and tiny. 277 00:15:53,028 --> 00:15:55,000 Imagine if we had met. 278 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:58,299 The magical moment when we would fall asleep in the crowded Synod. 279 00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:01,554 One sinful night of pleasure and suddenly... 280 00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:03,299 Bishop Granger. 281 00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,100 I was at the university with the archbishop. 282 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,064 No... it's bigger than I thought. 283 00:16:10,438 --> 00:16:14,399 Yeah, I... We were in Cambridge very good friends. 284 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,491 Me and God's representative on Earth. 285 00:16:17,521 --> 00:16:18,799 How is it? 286 00:16:18,829 --> 00:16:20,837 Bit of a nutter, actually. 287 00:16:20,867 --> 00:16:22,304 Good heart, good man. 288 00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:24,360 I like it, actually. 289 00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:27,599 Good moral values. Nice beard. 290 00:16:27,629 --> 00:16:29,438 What more do you want from a man? 291 00:16:29,468 --> 00:16:32,107 Be good in bed, I suppose? 292 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,500 You've really evolved in the last 10 years. 293 00:16:38,224 --> 00:16:39,516 Thank you. 294 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:43,943 And you should have at least been a bishop right now. 295 00:16:47,157 --> 00:16:48,809 I left for the bookstore. 296 00:16:49,205 --> 00:16:51,100 I can't wait. 297 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,000 A leather bound illustrated bible. 298 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:58,000 I wonder where to put it? 299 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:02,885 Perhaps along with the other 23 leather-bound illustrated Bibles. 300 00:17:02,915 --> 00:17:07,600 On the shelf with the leather-bound illustrated Bibles. 301 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:10,900 Maybe he changed his mind and he's going for big TV. 302 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,759 Johnny's thighs on the big screen! 303 00:17:14,129 --> 00:17:15,259 Hi. 304 00:17:17,152 --> 00:17:20,169 - Sorry to bother you. - It's all right... 305 00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:22,272 - I'm Geraldine. - I'm Rachel... 306 00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:23,836 I knew it! 307 00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:26,070 Hi! 308 00:17:26,676 --> 00:17:29,996 A thousand pardons, I'm going to a wedding in the neighboring village, 309 00:17:30,026 --> 00:17:31,699 I traveled in jeans... 310 00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,599 and I need to change. 311 00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:38,850 I was just thinking that I haven't seen you in all those clothes before. 312 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:41,199 And when I saw the sign "Presbytery" 313 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,799 I thought I'd ask the Church for help. 314 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,245 - Of course. Come on, Rachel Hunter. - Thank you. Thank you. 315 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,433 The bedroom is upstairs. You can change there. Watch your head. 316 00:17:53,874 --> 00:17:55,811 It's so weird. 317 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:59,194 My maid and I were just talking about you. 318 00:17:59,224 --> 00:18:01,136 Really, what were you saying? 319 00:18:03,657 --> 00:18:08,500 We were saying how nice it would be... 320 00:18:08,919 --> 00:18:12,491 if we saw you at a fashion show. 321 00:18:12,521 --> 00:18:15,300 Walking up and down and turning around... 322 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:19,566 - I can arrange that. - Really? It would be brilliant. 323 00:18:20,007 --> 00:18:24,299 I also want to say that I like the bras and panties you're wearing. 324 00:18:24,548 --> 00:18:28,500 The last time in London I bought from Selfridges I bought a pair of panties like these! 325 00:18:28,798 --> 00:18:31,000 It didn't make me... 326 00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:35,108 Ask them to take them off in regular sizes, please! 327 00:18:36,869 --> 00:18:38,315 But it was not wasted. 328 00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:40,300 I used it for yarn. 329 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,100 Very effective. See how they glow? 330 00:18:44,664 --> 00:18:47,470 You didn't come here for gay talk. 331 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,007 No, "gay" talk... 332 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:50,548 Stop it, now. 333 00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:51,495 Go. 334 00:18:51,525 --> 00:18:53,800 - Thank you. - Watch your head. 335 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,138 Who is it now? Naomi Campbell? 336 00:18:58,732 --> 00:18:59,891 Hi. 337 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:02,900 - What's wrong with you? - Nothing. 338 00:19:04,319 --> 00:19:05,870 No, nothing. 339 00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:08,414 A bit of a "strange" sequence of events. 340 00:19:08,444 --> 00:19:09,970 Not "weird"... 341 00:19:10,286 --> 00:19:13,599 If you weren't a chaplain, and you were a little boy, 342 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,099 I'd say you did something naughty upstairs, 343 00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:19,499 and you're afraid to tell Mommy. 344 00:19:20,215 --> 00:19:22,571 But I didn't, so don't. 345 00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:28,399 - Sorry, can I use your lipstick? Of course. 346 00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:30,322 Thank you, Joan. 347 00:19:30,726 --> 00:19:32,270 My name is Geraldine. 348 00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,461 I'm sorry. 349 00:19:33,681 --> 00:19:34,804 Hi. 350 00:19:35,443 --> 00:19:38,700 - Alice, my maid of honor. - Hello, Alice. 351 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:44,446 Geraldine told me you were talking about me and what you'd like to do. 352 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,352 I would love to. 353 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,469 Whenever you arrange it will be great. 354 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:54,610 I'm going to change. 355 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,400 It was nice to meet you. 356 00:19:59,171 --> 00:20:03,900 I know what we were talking about before, but I can't believe it. 357 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,799 You did it with Rachel Hunter, 358 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,399 and she can't even remember your name right. 359 00:20:09,429 --> 00:20:11,020 Shut up, Alice. 360 00:20:11,050 --> 00:20:14,299 You have completely misunderstood the situation. 361 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:17,070 And what's he doing up there in a bra and panties? 362 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,700 If you can call it that. 363 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,199 I take it you're not from Thong? 364 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,200 No, I'm not. 365 00:20:24,589 --> 00:20:26,849 The only "song" that interests me, 366 00:20:26,879 --> 00:20:32,066 is a lovely "song" said by a girl at a contest. 367 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:37,661 I assure you, Alice, there's nothing wrong between Mrs. Hunter and me. 368 00:20:37,691 --> 00:20:39,981 What do you think I am... 369 00:20:40,466 --> 00:20:42,100 Stupid? 370 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,061 Don't make me answer to that question. 371 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,000 Woman of mystery! 372 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:53,586 That's what I love about you. 373 00:20:53,616 --> 00:20:58,099 You can never reach the bottom of Geraldine Granger. 374 00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,486 But I'm sure Rachel will try. 375 00:21:00,516 --> 00:21:01,704 Get out of here. 376 00:21:04,701 --> 00:21:06,947 - I'm coming down. - You look fantastic. 377 00:21:06,977 --> 00:21:08,326 Thank you very much. 378 00:21:08,730 --> 00:21:10,506 You look taller. 379 00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,399 I hope to see you on the runway. 380 00:21:12,429 --> 00:21:15,005 That would be amazing, yes. 381 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,387 Thank you, you were fantastic. 382 00:21:18,628 --> 00:21:19,479 Goodbye. 383 00:21:19,765 --> 00:21:21,232 - Everything okay? - Yes! 384 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:23,800 What an amazing woman, the vicar. 385 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,200 Obviously gay. 386 00:21:27,254 --> 00:21:28,168 No! 387 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:29,951 No! 388 00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:33,799 - Nice conference? - Desperation. 389 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,800 - All the cretins together. - It must be a relief to have you home. 390 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,699 I wouldn't say that. 391 00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:44,099 Thank you so much for giving us the house. 392 00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,799 I won't forget the moment you signed the papers. 393 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,400 I've never seen you cry before. 394 00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:52,900 To express our gratitude, 395 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,199 we made some minor changes. 396 00:21:56,229 --> 00:21:57,689 I hope you like them. 397 00:21:57,719 --> 00:22:00,752 As long as it's nothing too dramatic. 398 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,300 What do you have to say? 399 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:12,722 I think I died, went to hell, and I'm sharing a room with Barbra Cartland. 400 00:22:12,752 --> 00:22:13,573 The point is, 401 00:22:13,603 --> 00:22:16,910 Alice did it all by herself, without the help of a professional. 402 00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:19,799 For some strange reason I'm not surprised. 403 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,313 What I sought, 404 00:22:21,343 --> 00:22:25,799 was the Classical Victorian to meet my Little Pony. 405 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,940 And I think it worked. 406 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,799 Where's Stubbs? 407 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:35,700 I had a valuable original painting of George Stubbs there. 408 00:22:37,409 --> 00:22:39,999 He didn't fit. 409 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,300 We thought, perhaps, because it was a horse, but not a pink horse. 410 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,345 I want him back in this room now. 411 00:22:49,774 --> 00:22:52,899 Tell me the news gently. What else is going on? 412 00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:56,000 - Nothing special. - No more shocks and surprises? 413 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,500 - Nothing else. - Good. 414 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,899 Except for the fact that the chaplain is gay. 415 00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:04,970 - Hello? - He tried to deny it. 416 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:09,400 But you must be an idiot if you add 2 2 and you don't get... 417 00:23:11,100 --> 00:23:13,573 - Four. - Four, exactly. 418 00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:15,524 Gentlemen, 419 00:23:15,554 --> 00:23:19,363 I called you early on a very important matter. 420 00:23:19,393 --> 00:23:22,769 It seems our chaplain is... 421 00:23:23,556 --> 00:23:24,970 gay. 422 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,399 I know how old-fashioned and traditional village we are, 423 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,799 and I can imagine your reactions. 424 00:23:31,018 --> 00:23:32,737 Well done, Vicar. 425 00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:39,136 The best news I've heard since then that bestiality is legal again. 426 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,709 - It didn't happen. - Really? 427 00:23:43,854 --> 00:23:45,682 This is not good. 428 00:23:46,298 --> 00:23:47,303 Wait a minute, 429 00:23:47,333 --> 00:23:50,900 well understand that nobody cares even a little bit? 430 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,301 No... 431 00:23:52,331 --> 00:23:55,499 We always had lesbians in the village. 432 00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,376 Mrs. Copley was a lesbian. 433 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:01,634 Before he retired. 434 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,351 - Was it? - No, Jim... 435 00:24:04,381 --> 00:24:06,470 He was a librarian. 436 00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:08,513 Librarian, yes. 437 00:24:08,945 --> 00:24:10,237 He's coming. 438 00:24:10,267 --> 00:24:14,200 Don't say a word. He doesn't know we know. 439 00:24:14,450 --> 00:24:16,299 Sorry I'm late. 440 00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:18,899 I hope you didn't pass Theme 2. 441 00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:22,305 There are some arts sponsorships that I want to support. 442 00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:24,700 So, where are we? 443 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,280 I'm sorry. 444 00:24:28,310 --> 00:24:33,299 Did I interrupt the Contest Annual Stupid Eating Contest? 445 00:24:34,423 --> 00:24:38,097 No. Well, let's go to Issue 2. 446 00:24:38,405 --> 00:24:38,999 That's perfect. 447 00:24:39,029 --> 00:24:43,175 Two young women in the village want £100 to run a theatre club. 448 00:24:43,205 --> 00:24:44,500 It looks okay to me. 449 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:47,800 Lesbian Theatre Club. Interesting development. 450 00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,558 How many are in favour? 451 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,499 I don't know if they're lesbians, David. 452 00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:55,399 - Isn't it? - No, only women. 453 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,599 Okay. 454 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,524 And they do plays about lesbians? 455 00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:02,399 Maybe. I don't know. 456 00:25:02,864 --> 00:25:05,741 The other is the Women's Association. 457 00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:09,499 They want to make a charity calendar that I'd like to support. 458 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:13,000 Will they all be topless, or just a few? 459 00:25:13,030 --> 00:25:14,994 They will have pictures of the church. 460 00:25:15,024 --> 00:25:17,358 With topless women inside? 461 00:25:17,644 --> 00:25:20,110 And you're going to take the pictures? 462 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,670 None will be topless. 463 00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,900 Then why would you give a grant? 464 00:25:25,550 --> 00:25:28,899 I'm starting to smell a theme here. 465 00:25:28,900 --> 00:25:31,400 Lesbians. Topless women. 466 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,875 Hugo, your wife gossiped at all? 467 00:25:34,905 --> 00:25:36,534 I don't know where you got the idea... 468 00:25:36,564 --> 00:25:38,296 Yes. 469 00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:44,100 I want to say here and now, you don't have a gay vicar. 470 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,599 And it's a shame. 471 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:49,050 In my experience, gay priests, they're excellent people. 472 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:49,770 Quite right. 473 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,099 They know what prejudice is, 474 00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:55,508 and therefore how important it is to treat people with dignity. 475 00:25:57,248 --> 00:25:58,799 Can we continue? 476 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,510 - Of course, if you like men... - Owen. 477 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,149 Seriously, now that you're not gay, 478 00:26:05,179 --> 00:26:07,599 I want to make another attempt with you. 479 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,000 Oh, for God's sake, Owen, stop. 480 00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:13,477 I'm going to brush my teeth this time. 481 00:26:14,335 --> 00:26:18,500 Very well, Subject 3. 482 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,848 The new carols. The meeting is at 16.00 on Sunday. 483 00:26:22,878 --> 00:26:26,393 Come if you want to watch the lowest rung of British culture 484 00:26:26,423 --> 00:26:31,400 since Arthur Mallard re-recorded "You're the One That I Want" 485 00:26:35,338 --> 00:26:39,249 Owen, you said you'd thank us and surprise us. 486 00:26:39,279 --> 00:26:42,970 Yeah, I'm not so sure. about pleasure anymore. 487 00:26:44,107 --> 00:26:45,384 Say it. 488 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,339 Jesus was born on Christmas Day, 489 00:26:50,369 --> 00:26:52,695 Hallelujah... 490 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:57,465 But he never put his stuff anywhere. 491 00:26:59,100 --> 00:27:01,000 Hallelujah. 492 00:27:02,406 --> 00:27:04,000 Next. 493 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,040 So, Frank, how many turns? 494 00:27:07,304 --> 00:27:08,691 108. 495 00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:12,199 It is a controversial issue, 496 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:16,973 and it took me a while to formulate the conclusion. 497 00:27:17,744 --> 00:27:20,599 Will you forgive us if we don't listen all the lyrics? 498 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,853 I can skip a few in the middle. 499 00:27:22,883 --> 00:27:24,196 Go ahead. 500 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:30,100 He glorified the Lord, but he followed your heart. 501 00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:35,000 Jesus Christ was born as a cat. 502 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,700 - You say it. - Next. 503 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,971 To say before you start, 504 00:27:45,001 --> 00:27:47,327 that my hope, for this competition 505 00:27:47,357 --> 00:27:50,100 basically all my hopes that after 10 years, 506 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:54,899 there is a trace of talent and logic left in this village, 507 00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:59,100 is entirely up to you. 508 00:28:04,161 --> 00:28:06,157 No... 509 00:28:06,187 --> 00:28:07,400 don't worry. 510 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,600 I tried to find, 511 00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:14,100 which part of the story of the Nativity, 512 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,099 - never happened. - Good. 513 00:28:17,100 --> 00:28:19,400 And then I realized... 514 00:28:20,096 --> 00:28:22,650 The birth itself. 515 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:24,037 Bad. 516 00:28:24,676 --> 00:28:26,503 And how is it going? 517 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:30,115 Praise the Lord, 518 00:28:30,776 --> 00:28:32,625 is coming... 519 00:28:32,655 --> 00:28:34,827 from the birth canal. 520 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:39,822 Here it comes... 521 00:28:45,300 --> 00:28:49,219 Look, the Virgin Mary, she's fully dilated. 522 00:28:49,462 --> 00:28:55,434 He won't need a perinectomy. 523 00:29:00,418 --> 00:29:03,100 I liked that. 524 00:29:04,900 --> 00:29:07,508 Two weeks later. 525 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,799 I'm looking forward to Christmas. 526 00:29:11,800 --> 00:29:14,075 Last year I couldn't wait, 527 00:29:14,105 --> 00:29:17,936 and we finally celebrated on October 21. 528 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,600 - Great year? - Yes. 529 00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:22,391 Do you regret something? 530 00:29:23,901 --> 00:29:26,896 For going to "wife swapping." 531 00:29:27,201 --> 00:29:28,539 Was it a mistake? 532 00:29:28,569 --> 00:29:31,999 Yeah, David was very angry. at the end. 533 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,600 - When you got back? - That's right. 534 00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:42,374 - What is it? - Nothing. Absolutely nothing. 535 00:29:44,511 --> 00:29:49,199 Application for the position of Deacon in the Diocese of Canterbury. 536 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,777 - Yes. - Looking for another job? 537 00:29:52,085 --> 00:29:54,389 No, David told me to fill it out. 538 00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:56,073 I'm not taking it. 539 00:29:56,689 --> 00:29:58,699 You can't anyway, 540 00:29:58,700 --> 00:30:00,873 you got a full-time job here. 541 00:30:01,842 --> 00:30:03,283 Yes, I do. 542 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:05,882 You're not leaving because... 543 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,549 you will break my heart and I will die, so you won't. 544 00:30:11,834 --> 00:30:14,199 It's useful to know. 545 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,699 I have to go. I'm cooking for your party. 546 00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:22,100 How many sausage pies will you personally need? 547 00:30:23,603 --> 00:30:26,377 No less than 46. 548 00:30:26,671 --> 00:30:28,073 See you later. 549 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:30,737 Hello boys. 550 00:30:31,199 --> 00:30:32,630 Visitors! 551 00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:36,399 Hello boys. 552 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,299 - How can I help? - It's for the party. 553 00:30:39,300 --> 00:30:41,810 We know how much you love chocolate, so... 554 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,499 we decided to build something big out of chocolate. 555 00:30:45,957 --> 00:30:49,900 - Fascinating. - Here's a rough draft. 556 00:30:52,118 --> 00:30:55,000 A chocolate baby Jesus. 557 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,600 Yes, in regular size. 558 00:30:57,700 --> 00:31:03,000 We just wanted to know if you wanted to know and almonds on top. 559 00:31:03,248 --> 00:31:05,648 Do you want me to eat baby Jesus? 560 00:31:05,678 --> 00:31:06,903 Yes, why not? 561 00:31:07,112 --> 00:31:10,316 We eat it every Sunday, in the form of a hors d'oeuvre. 562 00:31:10,346 --> 00:31:12,670 Yes, but while you're eating it, 563 00:31:12,700 --> 00:31:15,099 you think he died for our sins, 564 00:31:15,100 --> 00:31:18,718 not "Very tasty he looks great with praline." 565 00:31:19,115 --> 00:31:20,570 He has a point. 566 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:22,599 Sorry, he's the son of God, 567 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,400 I can't eat him. 568 00:31:25,500 --> 00:31:27,500 Not even a toe? 569 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,770 Not even a chubby chocolate finger? 570 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:32,800 I have to admit it looks delicious, 571 00:31:32,900 --> 00:31:35,200 but no, you shouldn't. 572 00:31:35,558 --> 00:31:37,003 No... 573 00:31:37,033 --> 00:31:40,019 don't worry, we'll go to plan B. 574 00:31:40,049 --> 00:31:44,321 - What is plan B? - We'll call it Baby Judas. 575 00:31:47,300 --> 00:31:51,500 And that's how you're gonna eat that bastard ...one-legged man! 576 00:31:52,370 --> 00:31:53,867 No. 577 00:31:54,462 --> 00:31:56,487 Then we go to plan C. 578 00:31:56,517 --> 00:31:58,280 Which will be a surprise. 579 00:31:58,310 --> 00:31:58,970 Why? 580 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,001 Because we haven't thought about it yet. 581 00:32:02,926 --> 00:32:06,154 - Do we have another subject? - There is something. 582 00:32:06,184 --> 00:32:07,900 It's about Frank. 583 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,999 He wants the party to be the best you've ever had 584 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:16,810 an evening of endless laughter and fun. 585 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,300 Excellent. 586 00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:21,684 So he decided not to come. 587 00:32:23,203 --> 00:32:27,561 He said he didn't want to spoil the evening because he's so... 588 00:32:27,591 --> 00:32:29,300 boring. 589 00:32:31,855 --> 00:32:34,770 Is that all he said? I'm sure he said more. 590 00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:36,864 Yes, he said. 591 00:32:37,150 --> 00:32:39,594 but we fell asleep. 592 00:32:41,928 --> 00:32:44,821 I know that at every party... 593 00:32:44,851 --> 00:32:46,970 I make everyone bored. 594 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:51,700 - Nonsense, Frank! Who told you that? - Mr. Horton. 595 00:32:52,436 --> 00:32:54,300 My father... 596 00:32:55,900 --> 00:32:58,282 My mother... 597 00:32:58,312 --> 00:33:00,594 My two sisters... 598 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:03,800 My psychiatrist. 599 00:33:04,700 --> 00:33:06,200 You. 600 00:33:06,900 --> 00:33:10,199 You mustn't believe everything I say, Frank. 601 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,809 At Halloween's party? You didn't bore anyone. 602 00:33:13,839 --> 00:33:15,299 - No. - See? 603 00:33:15,300 --> 00:33:17,270 I wasn't there. 604 00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:21,370 I have decided. You'll have to do it without me. 605 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,700 It's a big disappointment, Frank. 606 00:33:24,976 --> 00:33:28,299 Because - he said, and he already regretted it - 607 00:33:28,300 --> 00:33:32,399 I was hoping that you to give the keynote address. 608 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,999 - Really? - Absolutely. 609 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:39,778 I tell you in all honesty that no one makes speeches like you. 610 00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:42,416 I don't know what to say. 611 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,719 If that's the case... 612 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:50,034 - I'll be glad to come. - Good. 613 00:33:51,093 --> 00:33:55,300 I can't remember when I've ever had such an honor before. 614 00:33:56,290 --> 00:33:58,924 I can't remember 5 cases, 615 00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:02,063 that I almost had some honor. 616 00:34:02,459 --> 00:34:05,468 - After the Suez crisis... - Stop here, sir. 617 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:08,799 You need to go home. to prepare the speech. 618 00:34:09,219 --> 00:34:11,070 You're gone. 619 00:34:11,100 --> 00:34:15,043 Try to be shorter than the day of judgment. 620 00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,000 I must escape. 621 00:34:20,300 --> 00:34:22,912 Nothing will change in this village. 622 00:34:22,942 --> 00:34:25,100 I must escape. 623 00:34:26,245 --> 00:34:28,400 Christmas Eve. 624 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:31,100 - Good evening, Vicar. - Merry Christmas. 625 00:34:31,200 --> 00:34:34,399 I think you're going to have a very special evening. 626 00:34:34,429 --> 00:34:36,053 Good. 627 00:34:36,392 --> 00:34:38,387 Interesting inscription. 628 00:34:38,417 --> 00:34:41,600 TEN GLORIOUS EARS 629 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:46,240 The "Y" is down. I was hoping you wouldn't notice. 630 00:34:46,270 --> 00:34:49,058 - Shall we go inside? - Alice is taking the kids down. 631 00:34:49,088 --> 00:34:50,999 They wanted to say congratulations, 632 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,599 but they're small, and "congratulations" is hard to pronounce, 633 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:56,300 so they'll say "Fine." 634 00:34:56,655 --> 00:34:58,108 Here they come. 635 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,600 And here they come... 636 00:35:05,500 --> 00:35:07,800 And they keep coming... 637 00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:12,498 Alice and Hugo worked hard. 638 00:35:15,889 --> 00:35:18,069 If you want to come by... 639 00:35:18,421 --> 00:35:20,095 Poor things. 640 00:35:21,500 --> 00:35:24,600 Ten fantastic years. 641 00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:27,570 Thank you, I'm very touched. 642 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:32,388 I can't think of a better place to waste my life. 643 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:35,779 And I'm happy to be in this... 644 00:35:36,021 --> 00:35:38,553 incredible room. 645 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:40,970 Stubbs, David? 646 00:35:42,825 --> 00:35:45,744 My God, he's handsome. 647 00:35:46,515 --> 00:35:50,148 It doesn't fit at all now. 648 00:35:50,178 --> 00:35:51,711 I told you. 649 00:35:54,309 --> 00:35:55,699 The ceremony begins. 650 00:35:55,729 --> 00:35:56,733 To begin with, 651 00:35:56,763 --> 00:35:59,900 the chaplain asked Frank to say a few words. 652 00:36:05,500 --> 00:36:14,305 I was born here in Dibley August 12, 1929. 653 00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:18,600 And for tonight's occasion, 654 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:23,700 I thought I'd remember, every vicar, 655 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:28,300 who has served here since I was born. 656 00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,159 Oh, no! 657 00:36:31,489 --> 00:36:33,031 I did, 658 00:36:33,061 --> 00:36:35,607 and from everyone... 659 00:36:35,952 --> 00:36:38,014 you, Vicar, 660 00:36:38,044 --> 00:36:41,083 you're the best there ever was. 661 00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,000 Thank you. 662 00:36:48,300 --> 00:36:50,399 Well done, Frank. 663 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:52,299 Your best speech. 664 00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:54,699 Thank you. The chaplain told me to be brief. 665 00:36:54,978 --> 00:36:56,999 I finally got something. 666 00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,199 And we go on with a sense of titanic relief, 667 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:04,299 with not one but two surprises, Owen and Jim. 668 00:37:04,300 --> 00:37:07,699 Chaplain... We present for your pleasure, 669 00:37:07,700 --> 00:37:10,000 Not a chocolate Jesus. 670 00:37:10,270 --> 00:37:12,802 Not a chocolate Judas... 671 00:37:13,066 --> 00:37:15,300 - But... - As you will see... 672 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:22,100 A chocolate fountain. 673 00:37:25,545 --> 00:37:27,541 Come to mother! 674 00:37:27,571 --> 00:37:30,213 - Have a marshmallow... - I know what to do, Owen! 675 00:37:30,243 --> 00:37:31,754 Get out of the way! 676 00:37:38,300 --> 00:37:40,466 It's very good. 677 00:37:41,567 --> 00:37:43,320 Try the fruit. 678 00:37:43,350 --> 00:37:45,413 Of course I'd try the fruit, Jim. 679 00:37:45,443 --> 00:37:47,299 if I was a complete idiot... 680 00:37:47,601 --> 00:37:50,399 But who eats fruit when there's chocolate? 681 00:37:50,429 --> 00:37:54,314 I can put my finger in, open a road and get in. 682 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:00,903 It's very nice! 683 00:38:02,100 --> 00:38:03,574 Actually... 684 00:38:04,234 --> 00:38:06,745 I hope you don't mind, I'm sorry... 685 00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:18,599 Yes. It's fantastic. 686 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:23,200 Excellent. Good boys. 687 00:38:23,300 --> 00:38:27,400 And now the second most exciting surprise, 688 00:38:27,500 --> 00:38:29,299 we have a visitor. 689 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,365 I think there's a slight problem. 690 00:38:36,395 --> 00:38:37,598 Can I help? 691 00:38:37,818 --> 00:38:39,756 No, you can't. 692 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:42,786 You could, but... 693 00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,099 It's too late. 694 00:38:45,100 --> 00:38:47,102 Can you hold this, please? 695 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,646 Because I'm going in. 696 00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,299 I'm sorry, were you talking about a second surprise? 697 00:39:10,300 --> 00:39:12,800 I don't know if the time is right, 698 00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:15,600 but unfortunately he has a busy schedule, 699 00:39:15,700 --> 00:39:17,200 because of the Stay. 700 00:39:17,300 --> 00:39:19,300 Is it Santa Claus? 701 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,300 Unfortunately not. 702 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:24,999 For the 10-year anniversary I convinced an old friend, 703 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:28,100 to come and see you tonight. 704 00:39:28,300 --> 00:39:32,000 I present to you the Archbishop of Canterbury. 705 00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:36,169 That was good. 706 00:39:43,500 --> 00:39:46,399 Geraldine, the Archbishop of Canterbury. 707 00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:50,587 Archbishop, Geraldine... our chaplain. 708 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,629 It is usually not covered with chocolate. 709 00:39:53,900 --> 00:39:55,599 Merry Christmas, my child. 710 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,700 Thank you, Your Eminence. 711 00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:02,059 Please lick me freely... 712 00:40:02,089 --> 00:40:03,970 if you wish. 713 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,200 No, thank you. 714 00:40:07,578 --> 00:40:09,400 As you wish. 715 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,300 We have a democracy. 716 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:45,800 My chances of being promoted to bishop... 717 00:40:46,500 --> 00:40:48,759 the same as Jordan's chances, 718 00:40:48,789 --> 00:40:53,377 to win the United Kingdom in the Miss Small Breasts competition. 719 00:40:58,271 --> 00:41:02,579 Oh, dear... 720 00:41:02,609 --> 00:41:03,813 Jesus. 721 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,800 Remember when you made water into wine? 722 00:41:07,900 --> 00:41:10,599 If you could do the opposite for me now, 723 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:12,799 with the three bottles I downed, 724 00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,057 would be very useful. 725 00:41:15,475 --> 00:41:18,822 Otherwise I'm afraid I'll fall down. 726 00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:23,934 Come in. 727 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,900 I was wondering if the archbishop... 728 00:41:30,100 --> 00:41:35,499 You better go, because I had a little too much to drink. 729 00:41:35,529 --> 00:41:37,859 And I have to sleep now, 730 00:41:38,101 --> 00:41:40,962 so I don't have a hangover, 731 00:41:40,992 --> 00:41:43,299 at tomorrow's very important service. 732 00:41:43,300 --> 00:41:46,500 And what about tonight's service? 733 00:41:47,465 --> 00:41:48,426 What? 734 00:41:48,456 --> 00:41:52,600 The operation of the Parade, which starts in 9 minutes; 735 00:41:52,630 --> 00:41:55,140 The most important function of the year. 736 00:41:56,289 --> 00:41:58,135 The point is... 737 00:41:58,165 --> 00:42:01,400 I completely forgot about that. 738 00:42:01,500 --> 00:42:04,800 And because of this mistake... 739 00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:06,600 Yes? 740 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:10,130 I have a very big problem now. 741 00:42:10,900 --> 00:42:14,100 - I have a very big problem now. - Yeah. 742 00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,200 I have a very big problem. 743 00:42:20,384 --> 00:42:21,573 Thank you. 744 00:42:23,300 --> 00:42:26,459 - Does it help? - I think it does. 745 00:42:45,173 --> 00:42:50,199 Lord, forgive me for doing this, but it's the only way. 746 00:42:50,229 --> 00:42:52,900 You'll do what? What is the only way? 747 00:42:54,556 --> 00:42:56,300 That hurt. 748 00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,123 It did work though. Yes. 749 00:43:01,202 --> 00:43:02,589 Let's go. 750 00:43:30,900 --> 00:43:33,371 Good evening and welcome. 751 00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:39,299 As you know one of the one of the biggest problems of our society, 752 00:43:39,300 --> 00:43:42,588 is the uncontrolled consumption of alcohol. 753 00:43:43,500 --> 00:43:47,399 And our chaplain had a wonderful idea 754 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,111 to show us how horrible it is, 755 00:43:50,141 --> 00:43:56,099 imagine if someone like our vicar was completely drunk. 756 00:43:56,100 --> 00:43:59,800 The whole society would collapse. 757 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:02,482 Chaplain? 758 00:44:07,700 --> 00:44:09,373 No. Wrong. 759 00:44:14,134 --> 00:44:15,146 Thank you. 760 00:44:37,501 --> 00:44:39,900 Milk, Milk, Lemonade. 761 00:44:40,130 --> 00:44:41,341 (song) 762 00:44:42,750 --> 00:44:44,217 Hello! 763 00:44:44,463 --> 00:44:48,053 I haven't told anyone about the boob job. 764 00:44:48,867 --> 00:44:49,968 And you... 765 00:44:50,408 --> 00:44:53,579 you think nobody noticed that you're bald? 766 00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:56,749 That everyone is looking at you and thinking... 767 00:44:56,779 --> 00:44:57,784 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 768 00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:00,424 Because this man has a huge... 769 00:45:00,454 --> 00:45:03,132 egg for head; 770 00:45:04,300 --> 00:45:06,300 Let's move on. 771 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:11,186 More above. 772 00:45:11,459 --> 00:45:12,794 More... 773 00:45:16,400 --> 00:45:18,103 Come on! 774 00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:23,762 On this day, many years ago, 775 00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:26,400 a child was born. 776 00:45:26,700 --> 00:45:29,100 And his name was... 777 00:45:34,152 --> 00:45:35,500 I know... 778 00:45:35,700 --> 00:45:39,100 It is in this book... 779 00:45:41,474 --> 00:45:42,406 J 780 00:45:42,648 --> 00:45:43,969 Jeremy. 781 00:45:45,970 --> 00:45:46,670 Jesus. 782 00:45:46,895 --> 00:45:47,991 Jesus. 783 00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:52,626 Anyway, the name doesn't matter. 784 00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,290 To make a long story short... 785 00:45:56,333 --> 00:45:58,999 he was a really nice guy. 786 00:45:59,029 --> 00:46:00,068 As it turned out. 787 00:46:01,700 --> 00:46:04,400 There are two things you need to know about him. 788 00:46:04,500 --> 00:46:08,900 One - He loved all of us. 789 00:46:09,255 --> 00:46:12,100 And he had a nice fluffy beard. 790 00:46:12,464 --> 00:46:15,106 And three... 791 00:46:15,136 --> 00:46:17,242 Two - One... 792 00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:20,523 "Thunderbirds Are Go!" 793 00:46:31,100 --> 00:46:33,599 And now for the highlight of the operation. 794 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:37,750 Dibley's new carols, by Jim Trott. 795 00:46:40,015 --> 00:46:44,199 Praise the Lord, coming through the birth canal. 796 00:46:52,100 --> 00:46:56,800 Look, the Virgin Mary is fully dilated. 797 00:46:56,900 --> 00:47:00,421 You won't have to... 798 00:47:00,451 --> 00:47:04,054 Perinectomy. 799 00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:14,000 Praise the Lord... 800 00:47:14,100 --> 00:47:18,181 clean up the mess and cut the umbilical cord. 801 00:47:18,211 --> 00:47:21,043 Cut the umbilical cord. 802 00:47:28,076 --> 00:47:31,299 It's great when you've got someone the right gift. 803 00:47:31,300 --> 00:47:34,800 - I can't wait to see her smile. - Me too. 804 00:47:37,500 --> 00:47:41,000 It will probably be like the smile he has now. 805 00:47:41,700 --> 00:47:45,331 Although the smile will be smaller because he already has a reindeer, 806 00:47:45,361 --> 00:47:47,189 and even bigger. 807 00:47:48,300 --> 00:47:50,034 She's so sweet, 808 00:47:50,064 --> 00:47:54,144 will show satisfaction when he sees our humblest gift... 809 00:47:54,174 --> 00:47:57,473 that cost 10 measly pounds. 810 00:48:04,218 --> 00:48:07,177 Take this home and wrap something else. 811 00:48:07,207 --> 00:48:07,917 What? 812 00:48:07,947 --> 00:48:09,876 - I don't know. - A pin? 813 00:48:09,906 --> 00:48:11,070 No, bigger. 814 00:48:11,100 --> 00:48:13,003 - A bed? - No, smaller. 815 00:48:13,444 --> 00:48:17,275 I found it, something between between a pin and a bed. 816 00:48:17,305 --> 00:48:20,167 And here's something tasteful. 817 00:48:21,334 --> 00:48:23,162 Not pink. 818 00:48:27,300 --> 00:48:30,055 Merry Christmas, Vicar. 819 00:48:30,671 --> 00:48:33,199 I'm sorry the wine ran out, 820 00:48:33,229 --> 00:48:36,700 but Kava, she's left. 821 00:48:38,500 --> 00:48:43,199 - Time for the anniversary present. - Did you see what the kids got me? 822 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,599 The giant reindeer I wanted. 823 00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,570 They had a smaller cheaper one. 824 00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:51,841 But after ten years, we thought that the chaplain is worth it, 825 00:48:51,871 --> 00:48:53,670 the biggest and the best. 826 00:48:53,700 --> 00:48:58,000 So, we changed the price tags and we got this one. 827 00:48:58,774 --> 00:49:00,073 Excellent. 828 00:49:00,404 --> 00:49:03,399 I think I know what you took from me, David. 829 00:49:03,429 --> 00:49:04,491 I doubt it. 830 00:49:04,521 --> 00:49:07,899 I found it boring to call you a picture Bible. 831 00:49:07,900 --> 00:49:09,399 Thanks for that. 832 00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,999 I already have 23, and it was the last thing I wanted. 833 00:49:13,029 --> 00:49:13,628 So, 834 00:49:13,854 --> 00:49:16,782 - I got your Bible... - Good, fantastic. 835 00:49:16,812 --> 00:49:19,499 Thank you. Just what I wanted. 836 00:49:19,500 --> 00:49:22,475 And we have something else 837 00:49:22,505 --> 00:49:24,985 that Alice now brings. 838 00:49:25,015 --> 00:49:26,659 Thank you very much. 839 00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:34,000 Geraldine, please accept this. from the Horton family, 840 00:49:34,100 --> 00:49:38,799 as a small token of love and gratitude for the last ten years. 841 00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:40,500 What a thrill. 842 00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,161 Word, word... 843 00:49:44,803 --> 00:49:45,808 To begin with, 844 00:49:46,036 --> 00:49:49,900 and I think I speak for all of us when I say that if you think for a moment, 845 00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,199 how you're gonna get away with last night's drunkenness, 846 00:49:52,200 --> 00:49:54,596 you're making a big mistake. 847 00:49:56,231 --> 00:49:57,794 But also, 848 00:49:58,125 --> 00:50:00,943 I know I speak for all of us, 849 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,900 saying we don't care. 850 00:50:04,730 --> 00:50:06,109 You're the... 851 00:50:06,139 --> 00:50:10,961 less boring vicar, a parish can have. 852 00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:15,252 Thanks to you the church is full, not empty. 853 00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:18,422 And thanks to you our lives, are full. 854 00:50:18,452 --> 00:50:20,007 No permits. 855 00:50:20,700 --> 00:50:25,000 You didn't waste your time here. 856 00:50:26,693 --> 00:50:28,741 Thank you. 857 00:50:30,282 --> 00:50:32,970 I have no words... 858 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,521 Don't say anything. Just open it. 859 00:50:40,900 --> 00:50:42,677 David! 860 00:50:44,100 --> 00:50:47,106 I don't know what to say now. 861 00:50:54,700 --> 00:50:56,700 Neither do I. 862 00:50:57,800 --> 00:51:01,400 - It will be worth a fortune. - Yes, indeed. 863 00:51:02,300 --> 00:51:04,500 £122.000. 864 00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:08,673 My horn, our reindeer, obscured. 865 00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:10,918 No... 866 00:51:10,948 --> 00:51:12,570 I don't deny it. 867 00:51:12,856 --> 00:51:15,600 We are worthy of scorn. 868 00:51:17,216 --> 00:51:19,500 I will always love it. 869 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:22,600 I'll keep it close to me, until the day I die. 870 00:51:22,900 --> 00:51:25,700 I don't know how I thought of leaving from Dibley. 871 00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,513 It is and always will be my home. 872 00:51:30,600 --> 00:51:32,753 Merry Christmas. 873 00:51:35,200 --> 00:51:38,800 £122.000? 874 00:51:39,300 --> 00:51:42,605 I can sell it and get a Ferrari. 875 00:52:12,620 --> 00:52:15,989 Translation by ear Alessandro Molfredo 876 00:52:18,037 --> 00:52:20,437 A Christmas joke. 877 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:25,300 What happens if you cross turkey and octopus? 878 00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:27,509 I don't know. 879 00:52:27,539 --> 00:52:30,500 What happens if you cross turkey and octopus? 880 00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:33,700 Everybody will eat a leg at Christmas. 881 00:52:35,800 --> 00:52:38,499 Because it has eight legs. So they all get a leg. 882 00:52:38,500 --> 00:52:40,397 Not necessarily. 883 00:52:40,427 --> 00:52:41,970 Not if you are 9. 884 00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:46,230 Which is quite possible if you have guests at Christmas. 885 00:52:46,500 --> 00:52:50,999 I don't know if you can cross-reference turkey and octopus because... 886 00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:53,699 They must be making love, right? 887 00:52:53,700 --> 00:52:56,199 And or the octopus will not be able to breathe, 888 00:52:56,200 --> 00:52:58,999 or the turkey will drown, which is sad. 889 00:52:59,310 --> 00:53:01,196 Maybe it's better, 890 00:53:01,446 --> 00:53:03,728 try to cross-reference, 891 00:53:03,758 --> 00:53:06,399 a very small turkey, 892 00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:09,499 with a very large centipede. 893 00:53:09,500 --> 00:53:12,599 Because they might be able to mate. 894 00:53:12,600 --> 00:53:15,191 Plus, you'll have 100 feet, 895 00:53:15,221 --> 00:53:17,799 and everyone in the village will eat a leg at Christmas. 896 00:53:17,800 --> 00:53:19,973 So the joke will work. 897 00:53:20,003 --> 00:53:21,363 Thank you. 898 00:53:22,508 --> 00:53:24,399 You're telling me these jokes, 899 00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:28,002 before you think it through. 900 00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:30,699 Set the goal for the new year. 901 00:53:30,700 --> 00:53:33,199 "I need to understand how comedy works." 902 00:53:33,472 --> 00:53:36,300 "I need to understand how comedy works." 903 00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:39,200 - Understand? - Yes. 904 00:53:48,513 --> 00:53:54,514 Christmas Special 2004